Death by a thousand bureaucuts

In search of fun in my late teens, together with two other fools, I ended up at the circus and inside the tent of "Madame Zorbic – a Famous Fortune Teller from Hungary".

For a nominal sum, she peered into a luminous globe and told me that she saw me travel extensively. My sailor's uniform was probably a dead giveaway. She also said that I would marry and have 2 sons. She proved 100% correct!

In Budapest a few months ago, I wondered where the new up and coming fortune tellers could be found. I had a challenge for them and the local tourism information centre suggested a source in neighbouring Transylvania. After a few phone calls, I found out that modern day fortune teller could be engaged for one hour for US$100, credit card only. Travel expenses were nil, as this was done spiritually I was assured.

My plan to reduce the 2.6 million Australian bureaucrats by 90% was simple, just find people with better skills!.

The Bureau of Meteorology was a good starting point. Costing $1 million per day and requiring 1,900 staff, they seldom get the forecast right one day in advance and their getting the five-day forecast right has the same chance of success as a catflap in an elephant farm!

As a ship's navigator, like most people who earn their living at sea, meteorology has to be well understood. I was taught and comprehended well about barometric pressures, temperatures, clouds, occluded fronts, wind and the very dangerous tropical revolving storms. Without BOM, we crossed oceans very well. As a sailor now on small boats, l still don't have faith in the BOM.

I ended up in a stoush on the Gold Coast some 15 years ago, where BOM kept predicting rain and the local cruise companies, fishing charters, dive charter, dining vessels etc, kept getting cancellations, even when rain didn't eventuate. As an eternal crusader for the marine industry, I was demanding better forecasts.

The theme parks Seaworld, Dreamworld, Wet'n'Wild, and the TV stations entered the fray. Our local MP was coordinating.

The BOM chief appeared and handed out their two-page forecast, which was issued daily to media outlets. There was the problem. The weather girl or the weather bulletin person was restricted to 15 maybe 20 seconds of air time, so they would scan the 2 pages, see the word rain and report "rain tomorrow". After some vigorous debating and a brief rush of logic, BOM agreed to issue a 15-20 second precis of the weather, particularly focusing on whether the rain was late afternoon or evening, when tourists lose interest.

Alas, all bureaucracies have this irresistible urge to grow bigger and demand higher budgets. They like to create new websites, to make themselves look busy and to look indispensable by injecting fear. Last Saturday evening, we went to our favourite Italian restaurant, only to find the place empty. "Gino, where is everyone" we asked.

"BOM is predicting thunderstorms with high winds and damaging hail and people are wrestling with their new website, so my place was empty last night and again tonight because of the weather forecast," he answered. Of course, I had checked the weather radar prior to dinner, as most sensible people do, rather than stay at home hiding under the doona as BOM was advocating.

The quick answer to the unacceptable poor performance of BOM, is four fortune tellers. One on each coast, north, south, east and west at $100 a day each. This will save taxpayers a bundle and provide much more accurate results.