Defending Australia from itself

In the last decade, China did a very quick and splendid infrastructure job on the Philippine Spratley Islands without any permits, and Russia wandered into Crimea without an invite – so they both have some experience and project credibility.

The water depths in Ball Bay and Cascade are deep enough for the Chinese or Russian nuclear subs and big enough to accommodate an aircraft carrier or two. Another plus is that Norfolk is just a short two-day cruise to Auckland or Sydney for a bit of R&R for these warship sailors!

The nearest military opposition to Norfolk could be the Lord Howe Island game fishing club – a bigger deterrent than the Australian defence forces, who have never shown any interest in Norfolk, or else there would be a harbour there and possibly a defence vessel or two.

The overstaffed Australian Infrastructure and Defence departments are too busy on never-ending 'reviews', possibly babbling about protecting Lake Burley Griffin from midget New Zealand submarines (particularly diesel propelled versions that won't meet zero emissions targets), or the new Chinese eight-lane motorway proposal from Daru through the Torres Strait Islands to Bamaga.

Elsewhere in the south-west Pacific, Australia has saddled regional nations with poorly designed Pacific Patrol boats.

In 2002 ex-Prime Minister of Fiji Brigadier Sitiveni Rabuka stated publicly in Queensland, 'Do not treat us like beggars and give us expensive boats that carry 14 people and a gun. When I have 3,000 people on a beach as a result of a cyclone or tsunami, I need something more practical that can beach-land emergency equipment and mobile first aid units.'

Canberra reacted by replacing these aluminium patrol boats, changing the hull to steel, and renaming them with a grander title of 'Guardian Class'. These poor designs, with exposed propellers and rudders, are unsuitable for shallow reef areas – as seen recently with the Samoan Police vessel clipping the reef, destroying one rudder and prop and almost sinking her. As there are no slipways in Samoa, she had to be lifted onto a submersible barge and brought to Cairns for repair – a $2 million exercise that some innocent taxpayer, somewhere, has to pay for.

I was there decades ago when the Western Australian built 'Queen Salamasina' – an Australian foreign aid donated ferry sent to Samoa. She was too deep to berth at the ferry terminal in Mulifanua and became an economic millstone for the 200,000 residents of Samoa.

So Norfolk, don't hold your breath waiting for the Australian Government to do anything sensible in the Pacific. Departmental Heads of Infrastructure and Defence will continue the review filibustering and throw their ministers under the bus (watch out Barnaby Joyce and Peter Dutton) at any opportunity.

In the successful model of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, be bold and get on the phone to the Chinese and Russians.