Stepfamilies have special needs

Successful stepfamilies can provide a stable and harmonious family environment that benefits all family members. Furthermore, some researchers suggest that a well functioning stepfamily is as effective as the traditional nuclear family structure.

Stepfamilies are the fastest growing family type in Australia, yet they experience greater rates of separation than first relationships, resulting in both children and adults going through another major upheaval and transition. Therefore it is imperative that support and understanding is afforded to these families so in future society is not dealing with the breakdown of third and fourth marriages.

Traditionally, a stepfamily was formed after the death of a biological parent. A new wife or husband was found to replace the parent, and they assumed the role associated with mothering or fathering. There were not usually issues of child residency or custody, visitation or access, or child support payments.

Today, both of a child’s own biological parents may be very much involved in their child’s life and upbringing, despite the separation. This can result in stepparents finding themselves in a virtual no man's land. Their roles can be ill defined and they are not automatically a stand-in mother or father, even though they may take on many care-giving roles. These days the way most stepfamilies form is after parental separation.

It is estimated that divorce and separation rates involving children are in the vicinity of 32-50 per cent, depending on who is collecting the statistics and if they include married, de facto or non-de facto parents. What is known is that these relationship breakdowns do not deter parents from entering into second or subsequent relationships, sometimes quite quickly.

Parents typically repartner within one to three years post-separation. In the event of both parents repartnering, the child is now a part of TWO stepfamilies. It is important to note this is post-separation, not post-divorce. It indicates that many new relationships are being formed while the dissolution of the last relationship is still being resolved in agencies such as the Family Court or the Child Support Agency. The aim of this article is to raise awareness of some of the difficulties that stepfamilies face.

While many separating parents make decisions collaboratively without any outside intervention, some chose to utilise the services of the Family Court. This leaves the Family Court judges in the unenviable position of deciding the residency conditions of a child with two opposing but equally good parents. The process involves each parent trying to justify why the child should spend the majority of the time with them.

This is typically achieved by proving they are the better parent by pointing out all the flaws in the opposing parent. This makes co-operative parenting very difficult, once the court decision is finalised, as many have exposed secrets and said hurtful things about their former partners hard to forgive.

Although the courts attempt to resolve these issues within an appropriate time frame, it is not unusual for one case to span a number of years. As parents begin to establish new intimate relationships, these new partners inevitably become integrated into the system. When this happens it is not unusual for the opposing parent to include information about the stepparent as ammunition in pointing out the reasons why the child should not reside with the new stepfamily.

Some stepparents refer to this as “character assassination” displaying anger and hurt such as … "they took her word for what I was like" … "I wanted to fight back over all the lies written about me" … "have slandered my name and written it in dirt".

Despite being brought into the process, many felt they had no defence in protecting themselves or answering their critics. Although the court tries to gather as much information as possible, these stepparents have the perception that the court excludes all but the biological parents in custody disputes.

They acknowledge that their presence will actually exacerbate conflict within the court, but feel justified in being there because they are not “new” partners anymore. Most have been living with their new partners for at least two years and have been part of their stepchild’s life and support system for that time.

Many stepparents support their stepchildren in a variety of ways, including financially, taking them to school, picking them up, helping with homework, attending special school events, taking them to football training, or dance practice and other activities.

One of the most common complaints is they feel as though they are inherently important to both the child and the family but their status as a “step” parent means they are not recognised as such. They believe they should have a say in court decisions that will impact on their own lifestyle and relationship: especially when decisions place an additional burden on themselves, their stepfamily and their own biological children.

Stepparents who have their own biological children (many to their new partner) have the perception that their own children are not considered. They feel that these children are hidden in the process as the decisions made are in the “best interests” of the child(ren) of the first relationship, currently being litigated.

While this may appear logical, these stepparents believe that it was equally logical to make sure that no other children would be disadvantaged by decisions made about the children from the first relationship.

Stepparents believe this creates a feeling of “us” and “them”. This has negative consequences for stepfamily unity as it is divisive in nature and can produce feelings of rejection, jealousy and exclusion, thereby damaging the spousal relationship and the stepparent-stepchild relationship.

Stepfamilies thrive on the success of integration and wholeness, not one parent and children versus another parent and children. Many report trying to find a balance so that all family members’ needs are meet psychologically, physically and financially. Financial obligations to children also prove one of the most distressing areas for stepfamilies. Issues and conflicts with the Child Support Agency feature prominently.

Whereas the Family Court supports a child’s a right to a relationship with both parents, the Child Support Agency promotes parents having a financial obligation to a child post-separation. Much debate has surrounded the effect of deadbeat dads eluding child support or single mothers taking advantage of the system.

Both arguments have their supporters and detractors; however, the effect of child support on second and stepfamilies has largely been overlooked or ignored. The recent inquiries into child custody and child support afforded second families only a couple of paragraphs and many feel it did not adequately consider the implications of the financial difficulties experienced by these family types.

Many stepfamilies have what is termed as a “maintenance in-maintenance out” economy. That is a parent (usually the father) may be paying money to his ex-partner who has repartnered - then the man in the new stepfamily is paying child support to children not residing with him but in another family.

This pattern may continue across many families. Sometimes this equalises, the money matches that coming in and that going out. Many times it does not. Because child support is based on gross wage and not the actual cost of raising children, it will depend on the paying parent’s capacity to earn. However this “in-out” economy is not the only form.

Some people, with little knowledge of stepfamilies, can be unsympathetic to financial dilemmas. Consider this scenario: a single woman meets a man who has commitments to children from a previous relationship. They meet, fall in love; they are both working and child support really is not much of a consideration. The woman is earning and making up for any income deficit. The pair continue until they decide they want children together. Some might say that they should not.

IF the man cannot afford for his new wife to stay home from work, IF he cannot support the children from his first relationship, the children from his second relationship and his partner, then they should not have children. Yet there is the political viewpoint that society should encourage more children as the country needs more youth to counterbalance its ageing population. However, perhaps more importantly, should society discriminate against a second partner?

OK, so some say she can have children, but must be prepared to go back to work very soon to afford them. Those new to stepfamilies feel this is the solution to this difficult problem. Many women in this situation have reported that this was the best option and have gone on to have children.

What these new mums were not prepared for was the overwhelming desire to stay at home when their baby was born. They were not content with putting their children in childcare, to go back to work and supplement the income. This was especially so when the mother of the “first” children is entitled to support that enables them to care for their children before school age.

The Child Support Agency does have legislation in place that attempts to deal with some of these concerns. However, it is flawed and does not fully encompass the extent of the financial problems experienced by some stepfamilies. The new legislation to be introduced does not do enough to address these issues either and difficulties will continue.

This opinion does not mean to denigrate any other family form. Single parents (usually mothers) do an amazing job raising their children, sometimes with both financial and with the other parents’ assistance, sometimes totally alone. Non-residential parents (usually fathers) try to remain involved and active in their children’s lives and assist financially and parentally.

Stepfamilies are usually the path travelled after these initial separation periods. Many couples in stepfamilies have wonderful strengths and visions to keep their families a happy and healthy place for their children to be raised. As with all families, stepfamilies need support and understanding.

They have to deal with all the usual parenting problems, sometimes with uncooperative ex-partners, ex in-laws, and other friends. But many do so with optimism, love and honesty. It is important to the mainstream community that agencies and laws consider stepfamilies as legitimate social family forms and offer the support needed to prevent further familial breakdown.