Corporate Philanthropy.
Phorkarat clapanthopically.
Pork a rat claptrapery. Pork! Pork! Pork! BURMA!
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Sorry. I panicked.
Well, what do you expect? I'm well over my deadline, and for the last month I've been juggling gastro-enteritis, sick babies, calves that have tried to kill themselves by eating bracken, and an 8000-word honours degree assignment on
Independent Learning Groups. Frankly, you're lucky that I can see straight enough to type. The assignment went in this morning, and at this point, I'm onto my eighth brandy-lime-and-soda. (Great drink, that. Along with gin-and-tonic, BLS is one
of the drinks that ensured the safety of the British Empire for over a century. One part brandy, one part good-quality lime cordial, three parts soda water, ice and a twist of lime ... take three and you're ready to quell the most frightful of
mutinies, by God! Damn the natives! Damn the flies! Pour me another, Carruthers ... I believe I've got one of the filthy brutes in my sights...)
Errrr.... what? Oh, yes. Clorporate buggers being kind to the world. Well, frankly I thought the whole concept was a load of old bollocks. I mean, to this day Daimler/Benz are still refusing to acknowledge their obligations to the Jews that
Hitler lent them as slave-labour during the war. Microsoft is trying to play Shirley Temple when everybody knows that Bill Gates is the guy inside the Darth Vader suit. And Exxon ... the less said the better. I mean, what journalist can be
absolutely certain that the minions of the Evil Oil Empire aren't sitting outside, watching him through a 50x Mannlicher-Carcano telescopic sight?
Still, I'm the kind of guy that laughs at death. In fact, I'd laugh at anything at this point. Even Russell Gilbert – and that, I can tell you, is drawing a very long bow indeed.
So anyway, I decided that corporate philanthropy (the incidence of profiteering megabastards turning over perfectly good money to the sick, the hungry, and those who happened to invest in the analogue mobile phone system) was just too far out
for me. I mean, whoever heard of company chiefs putting money into the community? Oh, sure – Brad Keeling and Jodee Rich agreed to give back their $30 million of performance bonuses once their backs were well and truly against the wall (if you
can call it that with a $5000-a-week allowance), but is that really philanthropy? No. It's the kind of promise you make when you are absolutely convinced you are going to die.
No. I'm going to find something simpler, like hen's teeth. Yeah. So, load "hen's teeth" into my favourite search engine, and what do I get?
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http://www.devbio.com/chap06/link0601.shtml Too weird. Hen's teeth. Whoa. Maybe there's something to this Cop A Fat Kill Andrew thing after all ...
Just as a test, I ran a check on "Bigfoot". There was this site that came up... http://gcbro.com/LAnwa002.htm "Large, hairy, walked on two legs", it said. Could it have been Jodee
Rich? Who knows? Maybe our man Jodee was travelling the world in disguise doing corporate good deeds with other people's money. Clearly, it was time to check in at Loch Ness:
http://tbook.com/l/Loch_Ness_Monster/Loch_Ness_ Monster_Books.htm
Oh, yeah. That's much more like it, eh? The real perspective.... okay. Now, let's see if anything comes of a search for "corporate philanthropy"!
First cab off the rank: http://www.lib.ci.tucson.az.us/grants/grants26.htm You will notice the following points:
"Corporate giving is almost always limited to programs of benefit to employees, their families, or residents of specific locations where the company conducts business. Geography plays a significant role in corporate grantmaking. Employee
matching gifts programs are increasingly common vehicles for giving. When approaching corporate grantmakers always consider the self-interest of the funder. A proposal to a corporation should emphasize how their support of your project helps them
achieve company goals."
Really, I could hardly have put it better myself. We'll put it into perspective by looking up the definition of philanthropy, shall we? Webster's says: Noun: philanthropy – voluntary promotion of human welfare. From the Greek (philos -
loving + anthropos - man). Not much there about "achieving company goals", I notice. It seems more likely that we'll find a genuinely man-loving company out there somewhere ... wonder what happens if you search for "corporate
homosexuality"?
http://www.leeds.ac.uk/sociology/pgres/index.htm
Okay... that's pretty funky. That's the first time EVER I've plugged anything into a search engine and got exactly one result. I guess corporate homosexuality is even more rare than corporate philanthropy.
http://www.egoli.com.au/newsandviews/archives/10265.html ... Now THAT reads like a true account of corporate philanthropy – of generosity towards one's fellow man. I
mean, if you can't be kind to your mates, then just who CAN you give a spare 15 million to, eh?
Whups. Sorry. I'm kicking the downtrodden again, aren't I? I'll go back and look at corporate philanthropy some more, shall I? http://www.samceda.org/Phil.html – Well, the first line is total
garbage. Sort of puts the thing into perspective, eh? Don't ever let anybody tell you that profit isn't the first concern of corporate activity. It's like saying that eating isn't a shark's major interest. Corporations exist to make a profit. No
profit = no corporation. That kind of shoots down this little article, I guess. Let's try another:
http://www.sunbeam.com/corporate_philanthropy.htm – Yeah, that's a bit more like it. These guys tell it like it is: there is a certain degree of meaning to the concept of
corporate philanthropy, but if you're expecting something for nothing, you're looking in the wrong sector of the community, baby. Johnny Howard, take note!
http://www.acton.org/publicat/randl/92jan_feb/johnson.html – "The study proves that America's largest corporations continue to fail the tests both of genuine
compassion and common sense." Uh-huh. So what's new? Was that Jodee Rich I saw streaking across the screen a moment ago?
http://www-1.cisco.com/warp/public/750/philanthropy/ – hee hee! These guys are funny! But you know ... this is getting kind of dull. Like flogging a dead horse, really. Let's
do something more exciting instead. Anyone for really, really bad poetry about cheese?
http://pirate.shu.edu/~somersma/cheese.html
You know, it's spooky. That was a LOT easier to find than genuine corporate philanthropy.