The $6 million social worker

But, it's the average worker who is the one who actually produces America's goods, who actually helps other Americans. If life was fair, and people were paid what they were worth, there would be only a very small pay gap between bosses and workers. Here's some news I think should be published - but probably won’t be.

In an exclusive to KBAD-TV, Avarice K.Toadstool, president of Amalgamated Conglomerate Industries, said he will increase the pay of all line workers to at least $175,000 a year. Toadstool also said his company not only will provide full health coverage and college expenses, but will assist the workers to unionise. To pay for the increase, Amalgamated will cut executive salaries, quarterly "retreats", and stock dividends.

The federal government today approved the salary cap for all social workers. Although no social worker may now make more than $6 million a year, the base for entry-level social workers was raised to $750,000. Not included in the cap are signing bonuses and work-performance incentives. "We believe in the American philosophy of paying employees by what they're worth to the advancement of society," said Hull House director Jane Addams IV, who received a $2.5 million bonus last year for performance in suicide prevention assists, catastrophic disaster relief, and employment reclamation.

The Humane Society today signed Polly Pureheart to a 10-year $104 million contract, largest in history. "Polly's a triple-threat terror, and worth every penny we pay her," said general manager Wolf Greycoat. During a 22-year all-star career, Pureheart is the all-time leader in animal rescue/rehabilitation, arrests for felonious animal cruelty, and lobby influence. Pureheart is personally credited with 1,087 unassisted tackles of recalcitrant legislators.

The West Wattabago Daily Blab today signed investigative reporter David Bergman to a three-year $17.4 million contract. Bergman, who had been the clean-up hitter with the East Pacoima Tribune the past four years, was granted free agency status in November. During 2007, Bergman led the league in school board meetings coverage and uncovering local political scandals. For each of the past five years, he was a consistent .300 hitter, averaging at least three successes for every 10 news stories he reported.

In a related story, Phillies pitcher Harry Horsehide became the highest paid player in sports when he signed a three-year contract for $108,000 a year. The new contract will mean general admission ticket prices will rise to about $10, with premium seating at $30, according to Phillies management.