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Howard's history for dummies

By Xavier Duff - posted Friday, 23 November 2007

As we all well know, John Howard is not happy with the teaching of Australian history in our schools and has called for a return to traditional history, taught by dates with a proper narrative that reflects our proud past rather than the abstract random thoughts of the jaded post modernist lefties who currently write and teach our history. Mr Howard’s historian-in-residence - Keith Geoffrey Blaineyschuttle has been working around the clock to produce this landmark text. Xavier Duff has obtained some leaked excerpts.

Howard's History for Dummies

A New Australian Narrative (according to a proper historian)


April 1770:
Captain Cook discovers an old continent left lying around in the southern hemisphere that no one seemed to be using, so he claims it for England. King George thought it a perfect place to realise his dream to rehabilitate England’s most notorious bread thieves, through worthwhile and meaningful work that would prepare them as useful members of society after serving their sentences of life imprisonment.

January 26 1788
Captain Arthur Phillip arrives in Sydney to set up the King’s bold new social experiment. A few hecklers with dark skin - now known to be S11 anti-globalisation activists - want to spoil the party claiming they were here first. As if. Had they studied their history properly at school they would have known King George had declared Australia, “terra nullius” which is Latin for "We bagsed it first".

February 6: 1788
The rent-a-crowd as expected, resort to violence to air their grievances by stealing and killing a few sheep.  Violence escalates and a few white settlers are massacred but who in return stoically and maturely resist hitting back. Most of the protest is about illegitimate claims on the land. As if. The trouble-makers couldn’t produce one legal title to justify their claim.

February 7, 1788.
The ferals’ grievances solved with practical reconciliation which involves converting them to Christianity, giving them their own nice missions to live on and encouraging them to take up careers as stockmen, boxers and tennis players. Any future reference to wars, genocide and general unhappiness among the dark skinned, is just mischievous speculation by black arm band historians who can’t get a real job.

The land shows great promise - plenty of valuable real estate to capitalise on around the harbour while interest rates remain at record lows and lots of land to develop elsewhere for farming, mining and pulp mills. It would be a sin not to develop such great bounty from God.

Governor Phillip soon realises Australia could be more than just a very big prison farm but a proper farm - and a mine as well, with natural resources to burn. What vision. Immediately sets up a business migration scheme - only good white Anglo-Saxon ones with money of course - prepared to gamble it all on outsmarting the anti-globalisation lot who still insist they have been invaded.


1793 :
The first New Australians arrive, affectionately known as squatters - and put this sunburnt country to good use by grazing sheep and cattle and providing jobs to otherwise lazy locals who can earn a fortune in tea and flour if they just apply themselves.

The convicts don’t seem to appreciate their free passage to their new country or their opportunities here and frequently moan about their work and even attempt escape. Ungrateful sods.

February 1851:
Gold discovered. Great stuff but word spreads fast and everyone around the world wants a slice of the action creating a bit of a problem in being able to decide who comes to this country and the circumstances they come in. Asian migration poses its first real challenge with the Chinese among the first to hear the news. Not all bad though as Australia is introduced to one of the greatest benefits of multi culturalism - the dim sim.

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About the Author

Xavier Duff from Melbourne has been a rural journalist for 20 years working in rural newspapers and as a media manager for the former Australian Wool Corporation. He is an agricultural science graduate of the University of Melbourne and as well as being involved in reporting on farming and rural issues he has written articles on adventure, travel and Australian history. He is also the author of Accidental Heroes - a collection of stories about the recipients of Australian bravery awards. He currently writes and edits publications for The Weekly Times.

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