The mother of all significant others

Who are the significant others in our lives and what effect do they have on how we feel about ourselves? In a recent study my colleagues, Professor Marlene Moretti from Simon Fraser University in Canada and Dr Jill Francis of the University of Aberdeen, and I asked these questions of 103 first-year, mainly 19-year-old, Australian university students.

They were asked to nominate up to 10 individuals whom they considered to be significant others and to rank order them from the most important to the least important.

A resounding 40 per cent nominated their mother, way ahead of fathers (25 per cent), a romantic partner (17 per cent), a friend (12 per cent) and a sibling (6 per cent).

Interestingly, men and women were equally likely to choose their mother as the most influential person in their lives. We had expected that there may have been a difference, with females being more likely to nominate mothers than males, but this wasn’t the case. Mothers are equally important to young adult males and females.

These results fly in the face of the idea that once children grow up and leave school their parents do not have much of an influence on them. Our results show that parents, and mothers in particular, clearly still have an impact on their children well into adulthood.

Our survey also supports the idea that a large number of us “carry” our mothers and, to a lesser extent, our fathers around with us wherever we go. It is certainly not the case that just because mothers are out of sight that they are out of mind. It seems that we are conscious of how we think they would like us to be regardless of what we are doing. In the case of our participants, their mothers had an impact even when they thought about how they were as students.

The big gap between mothers and fathers probably occurs because mothers, typically, have carried more of the childcare load. Also, they probably share the more emotional aspects of their children’s lives. Today, because fathers are more involved with their children, the gap in the importance of mothers and fathers may decrease when they are young adults.

We also asked our participants to tell us what they believed their most important significant other’s expectations of them were. The qualities listed by them ranged from characteristics, such as being trustworthy, kind, and honest, to being diligent, conscientious, and reliable. For each quality listed, we asked them the extent to which they thought they were living up to these expectations. Most thought they were only fulfilling them to a moderate extent.

As with studies that ask whether individuals are living up to their own expectations for themselves, the failure to live up to the perceived expectations of others was associated with experiencing negative emotions such as worry and sadness, with the extent of the perceived failure being associated with the intensity of these emotions. When these differences are very large, they can lead to depression and anxiety.

Interestingly too, not living up to the expectations of their most important significant other were also associated conflict in the relationship with this person. Again the extent of the difference is associated with more conflict.

These results reinforce the important role of mothers. Although fathers are important too, for many Generation Y people, their mother remains the most important person. They suggest that even when our children are grown up, they still need their mother and they still care what they think. When they believe they are not meeting these expectations this has consequences for how they feel and for the relationship with the significant other.

One of the things missing from our survey was a question on where our participants were living. It is possible that mothers may be more important for those living at home with their parents. However, this may not be the case. Those who are living away from home might “feel” their mother’s presence just as much because she is not there - to share things with or to talk with about problems.

Also, it is tempting to speculate that as we form intimate relationships, our romantic partners become the most important “other” as do our children when we have them. However, this may not be the case. Future research is needed to shed light on this question.