2006: The year of living predictably

Some people shy away from predictions and prognostications, assuming that the future is unknowable and that time will only make them look foolish. Fair enough, I guess, but the difference for me is that I really know what is going to happen and so I can personally guarantee that all the predictions here are certain to come off. Call it a gift.

So let's start with the easy stuff. I predict that the Australian Cricket Team will regain the Ashes and Les Murray will win the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or it might be the other way around.

I predict that John Howard will continue frigging with Peter Costello's mind. Howard will announce his retirement on March 8, a leadership vote will be called, and then Howard will change his mind, giving “new security information” as his excuse. Costello will hold a press conference swearing undying loyalty to the prime minister while grinning like a cat passing razor blades.

I predict no-one will ever come up with a lamer slogan for a campaign than A Mate for Head of State.

I predict that during his next State of the Union Speech, President Bush will pronounce "Union" as "Onion" throughout, and 2,000 right wing American blogs, The Weekly Standard and Rush Limbaugh will instantly run posts, articles, broadcasts proving that there never was a State of the Union Speech, that it has always been a State of the Onion Speech and they will deride anyone who says different as an elitist and a traitor.

I predict that Alexander Downer will make a public statement that doesn’t fit the following four criteria: It isn’t stupid; it isn’t stupid; it isn’t stupid; it isn’t stupid.

I predict we will then find out he was misquoted.

I predict I will bring charges of crimes against humanity if Pixar or any other animation company releases one more film staring animals or inanimate objects that is supposed to appeal to “children and adults alike”.

I predict that sometime around July 7, Janet Albrechtsen will disappear up her own, um, column. (Cheap shot, Tim. Besides, it happened last November.)

I predict that the guy I was talking to at the pub the other night will steal my idea to buy the deconsecrated Church in downtown Adelaide and turn it into a cheese shop called What a Friend We Have in Cheeses. I will then open a rival shop in the Church next door and call it, Blessed are the Cheesemakers. There will be much cheese.

I predict that some time around June 20 someone will notice that there is no such thing as the rightwing blogosphere in Australia, that there is only Tim Blair. Tim not only gets more readers than all other Australian right wing blogs combined multiplied by his phone number, he is also the only person in the world who reads other right wing Australian blogs. He then links to them, giving them the illusion of existence. I predict that some of the smarter ones amongst their number will notice and realise they don't exist.

I predict the Olsen twins will eat each other but die of starvation anyway.