Attention spammers - I don't have one of 'those'!

An open letter to my email friends.

Dear Heidi Fredda, Lesha Shantay, Rickie Knox, Clorinda Alvina, Cheryl Talbot, Voncile Chanel, Digna Arie, Lester Burton, Chante Goldie, Ollie Cordero, Herman Elmore, Charissa Milagros, Paige Corrine, Jamie Busby, Betty Abernathy, Joella Mercedez, Maritza Dong and Xuan Lacey.

Thank you for your many unsolicited personal emails but I am concerned that some of you may have mistaken me for another person. While I am grateful Heidi for your concern, I am really not depressed due to problems with my erectile dysfunction. Last time I looked, I did not have a penis.

Due to this I am also not in the market for Viagra or even Viaagrrra regardless of how cheap (or cheeap) Clorinda can make it. I really don’t know who said that I would be interested in wholesale priced Valium. All I can say Voncile is that I was under a lot of pressure that day and I have now stopped drinking espresso coffee.

Yes Ollie I do know that my opinion equals cash. Rickie emailed me about that exactly one minute before you did. It is tempting to get paid up to $500 to complete free offers and watch TV but is this really a career?

Cheryl Talbot wrote to tell me that I could get a genuine College Degree in two weeks, no study required, 100 per cent verifiable. Apparently this little known secret has been kept quiet for years. The opportunity only exists due to a legal loophole that allows some established colleges to award degrees at their discretion. Cheryl writes that with all the attention this news has been generating, she wouldn’t be surprised to see this loophole closed very soon. I did always see myself as a bit of a doctor - if only I knew who this Cheryl was? She did say I’d thank her later.

Thank you Betty Abernathy for letting me know that there was no prescription required for Cialis soft tabs but tell me, what are Cialis soft tabs? I’m really a diet Pepsi girl myself.

I believe I have traced the moment that I first started to hear from my foreign pen-pals to when I tentatively clicked on an Internet pop-up window offering me a mini ipod absolutely free. My email address must have been passed out to other aspirational ipod owners and I feel certain that we are all still waiting for them to arrive. At least we have each other.

Everyone is so friendly. Cookies are no longer sold by the girl guides as you can get them free over the Internet. Mind you, any mis-type or foolish request for information on the latest Bond movie can get you into trouble. If you book the Hilton over the Internet it’s liable to be delivered as a DVD.

It’s been great hearing from so many new friends but I think I’ve had enough. I have found that I am spending so much time sorting through all your mail that I haven’t got enough time left for work. I would love to write personally to each and every one of you to explain my reasons for terminating my current email address but I seem to have trouble getting my messages back to you. Even my simple messages with only two big words on them don’t seem to be getting through.

If any of you do, in the future, come across my name through another link, just let it go. We all just have to move on.

OK maybe just a small bottle of Valium for the road.