Being a man in 2014: reflections on the NSW Men’s Health and Wellbeing Conference

Fifth, men are expected today to have opinions about a wide range of things related to women and life in general. But they have learned to keep quiet when they might be judged as too sexist or too racist or too anything else. Their real opinions are kept for a partner or special mate. What you can say in public is very much a complex issue, for all kinds of reasons. Men aren't sure how to say what they think, and often say as little as they can. Many men lack an emotional vocabulary- something known by medical people as alexithymia. And this helps create problems when women are more likely to think they can 'talk out' a problem. Men usually just want to find a solution and be done with it.

Sixth, men in Australia today are not uniform "Australians". We are used now to talking about kinds of American males- especially according to ethnicity, region, and class. Men identify in terms of ethnicity, and sometimes religion.; e.g. "I'm Chinese-Aussie" or "I'm half Italian and half Lebanese". "I'm Indian and a Hindu". Similarly I've heard men say they are part- this or mainly-that. It's OK to be different. They still want to be patriotic, and they come out with flags to celebrate Australia Day ( or fly the Stars and Stripes in the USA. Or the Union Jack)

Seventh, there is a fluidity to men's lives today. They might start out telling themselves they are totally straight. Ten years later there might be changes in this. And changes later on too in occupation (far more than in the 1960s: the idea of a job-for-a-lifetime went out the window long ago) And changes in world-view. Men don't want to be labelled and do want freedom to choose what to be, and what to do.

Eighth, men's lives are often marred by violence and jail. Dr Hector Gonzalez at Wayne State University says that violent deaths are part of the experience of being black and Latino in the US.

And worldwide, men are by far the largest group in jails, which are themselves places where men live at risk from drugs and violent incidents. The USA appears to have the largest percentage of its population in jail, and the largest jail population in the world. "Far from serving as a model for the world, contemporary America is viewed with horror," James Whitman, a specialist in comparative law at Yale, wrote last year in Social Research about US imprisonment rates.

So it is still true, as Hobbes said, that in many cases "the life of man is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short".

Finally, men want to feel special to their kids. Men can be seen today with kids in sporting venues, shopping centres and so on. They seem quite unselfconscious about being with their kids. It's part of their daily lives. Men after divorce are often devastated from the sudden loss of contact with kids. Don't forget that many gay men are also becoming dads; Ricky Martin is one of many taking part in this interesting new trend.

Where does this leave us? We've seen that men have adapted as society has changed. Once there was a black and white contrast between what men did, and were, and what women, did, and were. We now have a more complex world. Men have lost their sense of certainty about what a man was. But many of us welcome the changes. Most of all, we welcome the opportunity to spend special time with our kids and grandkids. And to find more ways of having deep and lasting friendships with people of both sexes. At the conference last week there was a range of views about men and their role. Some of the men were strongly feminist. Others were critical of feminism, especially of the more angry women usually served up by the media as part of some supposed 'gender divide'. But there was broad agreement on where we are going. We men have ways of working together, often using our sense of humour and a bit of tolerance for others.

There's been much talk of role models. People offer us Tyson Gay, Usain Bolt, Ian Thorpe,Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Roger Federer or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. These are some of the athletes searched most often on the net. Unfortunately, many of these prove to have feet of clay, misbehave in some obvious way, get caught taking certain substances or can't deal with the pressures of being in the media spotlight. In most cases, the best role model is close at hand: our own father and other males in the family. And those without a good role model must search one out. For those of us who are dads, we have to be the best dad that we can be. And that's the most important work we will ever do.