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Queen's decree: Suppression of Carbon (Dioxide) and Bovine Emissions Act 2011

By Michael Kile - posted Monday, 11 July 2011

Mid-Winter is a good time to work on being more reliable and grounded. It’s a time to apply innovative solutions to stubborn problems. Find new ways to communicate and exciting ideas and people will come into your life. But remember there’s a fine line between being silly and being sensible.

Prediction 1:  The Red Queen will address citizens of Warmerland on miday of Sunday July 10th, two days after Parliament rises and five days after the Earth reaches aphelion, its furthest point from the Sun. The Queen will tell tales about the prodigious riches, divers compensations, rebates, handouts, freebees, danegeld, etc, that will flow from her Suppression of Carbon (Dioxide) and Bovine Emissions Act 2011

Prediction 2:Manic energy will flow through the Royal Court.  But the Queen won’t get stuck in a rut, unless Taurus enters the First House. She will tell the people that “in the contemporary political debate there’s a lack of respect for reason, so shut up, eat your vegetables and help me save the planet!”  Beautiful dreams can turn into practical projects.


Prediction 3: The Queen will tap into her playful inner child and “put the facts on the table”. She will spell out the divers punishments to be meted out to heretics, sceptics and deniers revolting against the Suppression Act; to those refusing to swear allegiance to the Six Articles of Warmist Doctrine and to support the Act of Attainder; to anyone who calls her Carbon Tithe a “tax”; and who is slack about reducing their carbon footprint or goes on gambling on tipping points.

Prediction 4: The Suppression Act shall require all citizens to lay aside to the Royal Treasury a Carbon Tithe, the amount of which shall be based on their carbon footprint size. It shall be no less than one-tenth of everything they consume or purchase, including one tenth of their annual harvest (trees, fruit, plants, wheat, cattle, sheep, etc). It shall be in addition to any other taxes and levies. No fires are to be lit in the Kingdom, summer or winter.

Prediction 5: The Queen’s Wise Old Man shall say: “Spare a thought for my mate, the Earl of Latrobe. He has to turn this big bucket of carbon merde into ice-cream.” 

Prediction 6:The Queen’s astrologers and climate commissioners shall hold a Royal Conference in the Theatre of the Apocalypse. It shall be called: “Four Degrees or More? The Kingdom in a Hot World. (The question mark - a nice touch naughtily added by the Court Fool - suggests uncertainty; but don’t be a fool and bet on it.) There will be much consternation and some weeping for joy. There will be much wringing of hands, closing of minds, gnashing of teeth, blowing of wind and drinking of wine. 

Prediction 7: The Chief Astrologer shall sacrifice a sacred goat at noon on the 12th day of July. The entrails shall be read between the 12th and 14th July at the University’s sanctum sanctorum by seers from the Potty Institute of Alarmist Impacts and Atmospheric Delineations and luminaries from the Royal Cabal. Agreement shall be reached on the precise date of Doomsday (sooner that you think), and on how many extreme weather events, forcings, fumblings and teleconnections can dance on the head of a hypothesis (think of a number and multiply it by the number of delegates); and on the “paths that can lead us towards a safer climate”; and how the marvel of monetising the Kingdom’s air will prevent “catastrophic global warming”.

Prediction 8:Some of the Queen’s astrologers will ponder why, in a warming world, Special Climate Statement 33 shows the Kingdom just had its coldest autumn in half a century, with a mean temperature (average of maximum and minimum temperatures) of 20.9C, 1.15C below the historical average, and 0.2C below its previous coolest autumn. “It is,” some will say, “the Devil’s work.”


Prediction 9: The Court Fool shall be heard saying: “Weather’s not climate. Anyway, they have no idea about what’s going on - either up there, or down here.”

Prediction 10:The Green King shall recruit mercenaries in secret, some of whom shall shriek and chain themselves to the property of power lords and coal barons. Some shall infiltrate the Royal Treasury and other organs of the Court, with or without the permission of the Chief Minister.

Prediction 11: The Earl of Latrobe shall be heard saying “Crap!” many times, but not as many times as the unhappy citizens of Warmerland.

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About the Author

Michael Kile is author of No Room at Nature's Mighty Feast: Reflections on the Growth of Humankind. He has an MSc degree from Imperial College of Science and Technology, University of London and a Diploma from the College. He also has a BSc (Hons) degree in geology and geophysics from the University of Tasmania and a BA from the University of Western Australia. He is co-author of a recent paper on ancient Mesoamerica, Re-interpreting Codex Cihuacoatl: New Evidence for Climate Change Mitigation by Human Sacrifice, and author of The Aztec solution to climate change.

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