2006: The year of living predictably

Some people shy away from predictions and prognostications, assuming that the future is unknowable and that time will only make them look foolish. Fair enough, I guess, but the difference for me is that I really know what is going to happen and so I can personally guarantee that all the predictions here are certain to come off. Call it a gift.

So let's start with the easy stuff. I predict that the Australian Cricket Team will regain the Ashes and Les Murray will win the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or it might be the other way around.

I predict that John Howard will continue frigging with Peter Costello's mind. Howard will announce his retirement on March 8, a leadership vote will be called, and then Howard will change his mind, giving “new security information” as his excuse. Costello will hold a press conference swearing undying loyalty to the prime minister while grinning like a cat passing razor blades.

I predict no-one will ever come up with a lamer slogan for a campaign than A Mate for Head of State.

I predict that during his next State of the Union Speech, President Bush will pronounce "Union" as "Onion" throughout, and 2,000 right wing American blogs, The Weekly Standard and Rush Limbaugh will instantly run posts, articles, broadcasts proving that there never was a State of the Union Speech, that it has always been a State of the Onion Speech and they will deride anyone who says different as an elitist and a traitor.

I predict that Alexander Downer will make a public statement that doesn’t fit the following four criteria: It isn’t stupid; it isn’t stupid; it isn’t stupid; it isn’t stupid.

I predict we will then find out he was misquoted.

I predict I will bring charges of crimes against humanity if Pixar or any other animation company releases one more film staring animals or inanimate objects that is supposed to appeal to “children and adults alike”.

I predict that sometime around July 7, Janet Albrechtsen will disappear up her own, um, column. (Cheap shot, Tim. Besides, it happened last November.)

I predict that the guy I was talking to at the pub the other night will steal my idea to buy the deconsecrated Church in downtown Adelaide and turn it into a cheese shop called What a Friend We Have in Cheeses. I will then open a rival shop in the Church next door and call it, Blessed are the Cheesemakers. There will be much cheese.

I predict that some time around June 20 someone will notice that there is no such thing as the rightwing blogosphere in Australia, that there is only Tim Blair. Tim not only gets more readers than all other Australian right wing blogs combined multiplied by his phone number, he is also the only person in the world who reads other right wing Australian blogs. He then links to them, giving them the illusion of existence. I predict that some of the smarter ones amongst their number will notice and realise they don't exist.

I predict the Olsen twins will eat each other but die of starvation anyway.

I predict that a certain editor of a certain magazine who asked me to write stuff for him will respond to my emails and later send me the money he owes me.

I predict that Apple will launch a new product called iIdiot on November 10. The project will begin with Mark Steyn. Instead of having to merely read him taking himself incredibly seriously, devoted fans will be able to have him appear in their lounge rooms in person and perform his “think” pieces as interpretative dance.

I predict that Apple will then plan to launch an Australian version of iIdiot in early 2007 but it will be delayed three months. And then another three months and then another three months. It will then be shelved forever as developers realise that downloading even a virtual Piers Ackerman would require a hard-drive the size of the sun.

I predict the Howard Government will finally back a Bill of Rights for Australia. It will have only one provision: You have the right to remain silent.

I predict the number of writers at Larvatus Prodeo will exceed the number of readers on June 4.

I predict that Michael Leunig will one day soon turn his valuable powers of perception on himself.

I predict that the next big hit diet book will be called Fat Women Don't Get French.

I predict God will appear on BBC World News and finally prove to the faithful that he doesn't exist.

I predict that the President and/or key members of the Republican Party will openly break the law or abuse the constitution. (Um, not exactly a big call, Tim, given things like this.) Okay, then: I predict that the President and or key members of the Republican Party will openly break the law or abuse the constitution AND a conservative somewhere will care and will say so. (Now that's a big call.)

I predict that Kim Beazley will say something that will fit the following four criteria: Not a regurgitation of something the Coalition has already done; politically important; coherent; extremely popular with the electorate.

I predict that within 24 hours he will retract it under pressure from the NSW Right.

I predict Mark Latham will release a new book on parenting called F*** Kids are Stupid. "It's a third way of child-rearing between never having children ever and allowing children to be raised by wolves," he will be heard to say.

I predict On Line Opinion will never ask me to predict anything ever again.