The case of the shaggy tartan

"Confound it, confound it, a thousand times confound it."

"Holmes," Watson said, as he considered the marmalade or blueberry jam as a topping for his slightly burnt breakfast toast. "What is the problem?"

"I face an unsolvable case for the first time in my career. Not since A Study in Scarlet have I had such a confounded feeling of despair."

"Come now, Holmes, surely you exaggerate."

"That I would, Watson. That I would. It's the case of the missing country."

Holmes could tell by Watson's devotion to the marmalade that his attention did not fall into the category that could be described as rapt.

"Look Watson, pay attention, what do we call ourselves. The Rest of UK, Defiant UK"

"DUK, heavens no!"

"Ahhh, now you see my point. If Scotland goes, well, you know…"

"No need to mention that dreadful word."

"Indeed, but if it goes, well, you know, then we are left in a cruel situation. We have no name, at least not yet."

"Hold on, dear chap, surely we can think of something?"

"But what Watson, what? We have a new master criminal. It used to be Moriarty now it's Murdoch, the arch villain. He is instrumental to the hacking of Britain. I tell you Watson, we are in a pickle, make no mistake. Let's examine what we have. England, Wales, Northern Ireland. Take the first two letters of each country and you have Enwano. Heavens to Jupiter and back to Pluto, what could that inspire?"

"Why can't we keep the United Kingdom."

"It means UK all. You see without Scotland there is no United Kingdom, just a united kingdom."

"Holmes, I am confused."

"If Scotland goes, England is the only kingdom. Wales is a principality and Northern Ireland, the six counties that are in the whatever we will be, are not even a full province. Ulster has nine counties, and Northern Ireland isn't even a correct description as the most northerly part of Ireland is in the south. If a name can't be accurate then …"

"Well yes, so what do we do? Let's start at first principles. Where does Britain come from?"

"Well, that's it, Brittany in France. People don't realize we were the first colony of France. Cross-channel trips started long before the chunnel."

"Well let's take the first three letters then. EngWalNor"

"Sounds like a rival to Narnia."

"Great story that, the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, incidentally, written by an Irishman."

"So were we, Holmes, so were we. I say, Prince!"

"No, the palace is staying out of this."

"Hold on, wasn't there a chap some years back, a pop singer or some such, that ditched his name and described himself as the Artist Formerly Known As Prince."

"Watson, you might be onto something."

"Well, how about Formerly UK"

"Not in a million years!"

"We could be Still UK."

"No not really appropriate. We are in the position of a bullfighter missing his spectacles."

"Come again, old chap"

"The horns of a dilemma. And then there's the flag."

"Sorry?"

"Right now the Union Flag is red, white and blue. It features the crosses of the saints George, Andrew and Patrick. Without the Scottish saltire it's two red crosses on a white background and runs the risk of not looking dressed properly. And that does not take into account the more than 20 countries and regions that have the flag, on their flag, in some form or another. It's the devil of a mess. Though I see a commercial opportunity. In a few years, if Scotland goes, well, you know, than the Union Flag will be worth a few bob."

"Euros, probably,'' and with that Watson got up and earned a sharp rebuke from a clearly agitated Holmes.

"Come back to the table. Where are you going at a time of such impending chaos?"

"To get more marmalade."